Monday, July 18, 2005

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

Jack has a penchant for blondes. Not just any blondes, but attractive, yummy mummy blondes. I guess it’s not that surprising. After all, the Mrs is blonde (well, was. She’s now blonde with red streaks) and she’s obviously his ideal of yumminess. Freud, Oedipus and all that jazz.

But what’s interesting is his uncanny ability to seek out the most attractive blonde woman in the room and chat her up.

This has happened too many times to be a coincidence. Women at family parties, teachers at nursery groups, mums in playgrounds, hairdressers, shop assistants, waitresses. He’s the James Bond of toddlerdom.

Within two minutes he’s scoped out the room, made for the foxiest chick available and seduced her with his natural charisma and witty repartee. When he scores, as he invariably does, he scores big time. Within five minutes he’s being dandled on her knee, having his photo taken with her or being introduced to her daughter.

I have to say his taste is impeccable. If I’d thought of training Jack to go up to the prettiest blonde woman in the room so I could start a conversation with her, it would have been genius. But I didn’t. I wouldn’t have had the nerve. Nor would Jack have done what I wanted. He does it because he can’t help himself. He has a natural enthusiasm for the fairest of the fairer sex.

So, on a fairly regular basis, I find myself having to reclaim my son from the embrace of a stunningly attractive woman, apologise for his brazenness and take him back to the buggy. It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it.

Of course there’s really no need to apologise. The blonde is swooning, captivated, unconcerned. She’s forgotten what she was meant to be doing. She calls him “gorgeous” or something similar and tells me he can come and see her anytime.

Clearly Dad is no longer in the pulling game. But when I was, was I ever this good? Emphatically no. The kid has talent.

For those still interested in seduction techniques, here’s what I have learnt from Jack:

Look cute. She won’t mind if you’re dribbling or holding a teddy bear as long as you’re basically clean and have shiny hair and (ideally) big blue eyes. Being short seems to be an advantage.

Don’t worry about your size, weight or age. Many women prefer the younger man. A smaller man may be unthreatening. And a little puppy fat just makes you look cuter.

Be direct. Just walk up, look at the woman with your big blue eyes, smile and say “Hello”. If she doesn’t notice you at first, keep saying it until she does.

Don’t bother with small talk. Ask them about themselves. “Who’s that?”, “What’s that?” and “What are you doing?” seem to do the trick. After this, laugh at anything they say.

Make physical contact early. Try to brush against her knee or lean against her. It helps if you are two foot tall and a little unsteady on your feet. If she offers you more, like a cuddle or hand to hold, go with it. Let her take the lead.

After a first encounter say goodbye properly and leave her with a kiss. Leave her wanting more.

And that’s all there is to it, apparently. The rest is down to charm, or pheremones or something. Jack appeal. If I could bottle it, I’d make millions.

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